Reinstein: Juliet's take on same-sex relationships
By Ted Reinstein / Guest Columnist
Sunday, August 21, 2005

News Item: Boston Park officials have disclosed that the Public Garden's resident swan couple, known affectionately as "Romeo & Juliet," are in fact, the same gender -- female.

I know, I know. The first question you're going to ask in reading this is -- "OK, so which 'Juliet' are you?" Does it really matter? Hey, we're swans. We didn't come up with those dippy names to begin with. Generally speaking, there isn't a whole lot of quoting Shakespeare amongst us water fowl.

Yes, we're a same-sex couple. Like Boston hasn't seen any of those before.

By the way, let's get something straight, so to speak. I have nothing against males. In fact, I dated one once. He was a jazz musician, a trumpeter swan from New Orleans who had an unfortunate encounter with a parked car. I told him to stay in the water. Men.

And it's not like we kept anything secret. The breeder who sold us told the city's park officials three years ago that we were both female. And now there's a big hullabaloo about it?

Hello? We would have been glad to tell everyone within earshot that we were both female. But swans, in case you haven't noticed, don't talk.

Yes, we produce eggs. And that's where the park people got confused. Funny, 'cause some of the park people are female, too. Now, I'm no biologist, but in case those women haven't noticed, I believe females of most species produce eggs. Men or no men. Go figure.

Those eggs never hatched because they were not fertilized. Because me and my partner, as I have pointed out, are both female. Which, as I have pointed out, the city was aware of.

I know, I know. The little kids might be confused. They always ask, "Which one's Romeo and which one's Juliet?" It's very cute, actually. One of the city's park officials, obviously not ready to be open about us, says, "It's just like one of those fairy tales; why spoil it?"

Hey, far be it from us to spoil anything, but those swans on the back of the swan boats? All same-sex. Just thought you might like to know.

Look. We're just doing what swans do. In the absence of a male partner, we will pair up with a same-sex mate, and one swan will act out the role of the opposite gender. Nothing kinky about it. Just biology.

Now I see that people on both sides of the same-sex marriage issue are glomming onto this story. Great. One lady from a pro same-sex marriage group, said, "We should still cherish and love our swans, no matter whom they choose to swim with."

Cute. Save it for a Hallmark card.

Then a guy from a group fighting same-sex marriage said, "Maybe it's the water that's causing all this lunacy." I guess he was talking about the whole same-sex marriage thing in Massachusetts. And I guess he was joking. From our vantage point in the Public Garden, we've seen some pretty lunatic behavior on the streets around us water-folk, too. Funny, we figured it was the air that made you people do stupid things.

Some people are now suggesting that a male swan -- a genuine Romeo, if you will -- be brought in to the picture to make things right. Well, I suppose he could fertilize some eggs, and yes, that would ensure some more swans in the future. But here's the thing -- we like it here. And we like each other. In fact, once we swans pair off, as Juliet and I have, we tend to stay with each other until we die.

Which, let's face it, is more than I can of most humans. Same sex or otherwise.

Ted Reinstein is a reporter and producer for WCVB-TV.